In observance of Asexual Awareness Week, we bring you our first guest blog from Flora Lupo
What is your sexual orientation? For me there was always a confusion when I thought about my sexuality. I never really talked about it with anyone since I was straight and I was sure about that. But sometimes in the back of my head I would feel confused. I was never attracted to women in the same way I would see others display sexual attraction. It would cause me to wonder. Am I gay? Am I bi? Looking at the way the people both around me and in media showed attraction raised questions in my head. But neither gay or bi made any sense to me. As far as I could tell I was only attracted to women. This had to mean I am straight right? For most of my life there was only these three options. I could be straight, gay or bi. I considered myself straight where it was the orientation that I felt I fit. But I never felt like a perfect fit.
How do you talk about not feeling like you fit in one of 3 boxes? I never talked about how I felt simply because I didn’t know how. I didn’t even know it was something that was important to me. It would sometimes feel confusing and unnerving. But over time I did slowly begin to learn more about sexuality, attraction, and a whole lot more. What I learned meant that I didn’t have to fit in one of those three boxes. There was a lot more out there, and most importantly, there was an orientation that fit me.
There are several reasons that finding an orientation was and is important to me. First of all, it made me feel more comfortable with myself. This security made the unease and confusion about my identity disappear. Secondly, it has given me a way to more easily talk about my identity with others. Simply having a word to describe me opens up communication in a way that I never had before. Thirdly, it has let me find the experiences of others that are similar to mine and feel connected. Reading about other people with the same orientation feels good for me. It has also helped me learn more about myself and continue to grow. What is my orientation?
I am asexual. Asexuality is usually described as someone who does not experience sexual attraction to any gender. Each asexual person has their own experience and fits in somewhere on the asexual spectrum or umbrella as it is sometimes called. Being asexual is a sexual orientation the same as heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, and pansexual along with many others. A sexual orientation is specifically used to describe sexual attraction. Asexuality could be considered the opposite of pansexuality which is sexual attraction to someone regardless of gender.
So how did find out I was asexual? It was completely by accident and thanks to the LGBT community. One day I read the tag lgbtqia+ in something and realized I had a decent idea what everything stood for but the a. I looked it up and found out that it stood for asexual. The only thing I knew about asexuality at the time was that the immortal jellyfish was asexual. As I started reading about asexuality as an orientation, I realized “this is exactly me”.
To understand asexuality, it is helpful to learn a bit about sexual attraction. Along with the other kinds of attraction and the role they play in sexuality. According to asexuality.org “sexual attraction is an emotional response sexual people feel where they find someone sexually appealing, and often results in desire for sexual contact with the person.” (http://wiki.asexuality.org/Sexual_attraction) It took me a bit to understand what the emotional response is people go through when they are sexually attracted to someone. Since I don’t feel sexual attraction myself. To wrap my head around it I eventually was able to compare it to grief. Where outside stimulus in this case seeing a sexy person, could affect you both mentally and physically. The idea that seeing another person could create this kind of response was bizarre to me. It is something outside my experience.
Another way to express sexual attraction is “attraction based on sexual desire or quality arousing such.” (FaerieFate, https://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/137200-helpful-info-for-those-questioning-their-asexuality/#whatIsSexualAttractionSexualDesire ) Being asexual means that you do not experience sexual attraction. But there are identities under the asexual umbrella that do. Demi-sexual is one of those, they are people who only experience sexual attraction to those that they are in love with. For me most people have the attractiveness level of neutral. People do not elicit any type of physical or emotional response from me. When I see a sexy person or am shown a picture of one. My thoughts generally amount to something along the lines. “Oh, they are pretty/handsome or good looking”. If this thought even happens, for the most part “sexy people” just appear neutral to me it is not even something I notice. Unless they happen to be my type. If they are my type that means I find them aesthetically attractive. Women that I find aesthetically attractive I think are cute.
How can I think someone is cute if I don’t feel sexual attraction? This is why it was important to understand what sexual attraction is about. Asexuality is a sexual orientation it has nothing to do with romantic, sensual, aesthetic, or platonic attraction. You can have any or all of these forms of attraction towards others and still be asexual. An example being is that I am heteroromantic. This means that I am interested in romantic relationships with women. When I think a woman is cute that is aesthetic attraction. It has nothing to do with desiring to have sex with them. And it can get even more confusing.
Not wanting to have sex leads to a common misconception about asexual people. Asexual people do not have sexual desire or want to have sex with other people (usually). This does not mean that being asexual means you have no sex drive or libido. “A libido (sex drive) is a desire to feel sexual pleasure. Libido is separate from sexual attraction.” (http://wiki.asexuality.org/Libido). Some asexual people have little to no libido while others have plenty to spare. How much libido you have has no effect on your asexuality. They are completely separate things.
If asexual people have libido this raises the question, do asexual people masturbate? This depends on the person. Some do not masturbate at all. Others masturbate some, and there are asexual people that masturbate regularly. Reading through asexuality forums the most common experience appears to be having some libido and masturbating but it would appear that most consider it a hassle. A natural body function that they could do without. Then there are those that have little to no libido and do not masturbate. And on the opposite end those with high libido that masturbate regularly. Any of these groups may consume porn in some form or have some kind of kink or fetish. As well as have sexual fantasies. Just like any other person. Asexuality is about sexual attraction to other people specifically. This can mean there are kinks or fetishes that turn them on. Fantasizing something does not mean that you want to do it in real life. You can fantasize about having sex without wanting to do it. Your body can respond to sexual stimulus without wanting to have sex. You can be a horny asexual.
You can also be an asexual that has sex. There are a few reasons for this. First off you can still enjoy sex and/or sexy things as an asexual. Although it appears very uncommon according to forums that I have read but it is perfectly valid to enjoy sexy things as an asexual. Remember being asexual is about your sexual attraction in other people. You can be turned on by something that is not the person you are having sex with. Asexuals can also be interested in having a romantic relationship with someone. Romantic attraction is separate from sexual attraction. For many sexual people sex is part of a romantic relationship. There are many cases where asexual people have successful romantic relationships with sexual people. In some of these relationships the partners still have sex or do sexy things. Depending on the comfort level of both involved. People will also have sex for more than just sexual pleasure. It can help partners bond emotionally and build trust. What is most important is communicating with your partner and to do what is most comfortable for both of you. On the other side it is also very possible to have a romantic relationship that does not involve sex.
What is my experience? I am an asexual person with a high libido. I do not see masturbation as a hassle like many other asexual people but as something enjoyable, or something I do when I am bored or procrastinating. I do consume porn in different forms and I have kinks that turn me on. Periodically I will use sexual fantasies as well. I am not someone who has ever been in a romantic relationship and I have never had sex. In the future if I am ever in a serious relationship, I am open to having sex and/or doing sexy things simple because I see it helpful in emotional bonding and building trust with my partner. Sex is not something I have any interest in doing and I do not feel I am losing anything from not having sex. If I never have sex that is perfectly fine with me. Reading about similar experiences to mine helped me become comfortable in my orientation.