Hi again readers! It’s Co-editor Gail. Today I want to talk about something I have been dealing with (and ranting about to my boyfriend) lately: Parasocial Relationships or specifically, choosing to end one.
In case you don’t know what it means, a parasocial relationship is a “one-sided relationship(s), where one person extends emotional energy, interest and time, and the other party, the persona, is completely unaware of the other’s existence”.
Basically it is the relationship we have as fans for celebrities and other content creators.
Everyone is partially relying on parasocial relationships right now as they are stuck inside and depending on audio/visual content to get by. But recently in my own experience, I have had to “break up” with a few of these relationships for what I feel are moral reasons. But it hasn’t been easy. It has brought up many complex questions that do not really have perfect answers
What happens when we have to break up with a parasocial relationship? It can be hard to let go because of all that we have invested in them.
Can we even feel satisfied in a break up where only we feel betrayed and only we know we are leaving?
How do we healthily process these feelings of betrayal and move on when it is a one sided relationship and you personally are not one to just rant and fight on the internet with strangers about it?
To start, I think it’s important to define your reasons for wanting to leave your parasocial relationship. Specifically when it goes beyond just disinterest or having outgrown the content.
Have they said and or done something recently or in their past that to you is unforgivably problematic?
Have you realized they always were problematic but you didn’t see the light and pick up on their pattern until recently due to your own biases or recent enlightenment?
Are they themselves genuinely good at heart, but for numerous complex reasons, they continue to associate themselves with and defend problematic individuals in a seemingly uneducated way and you just cannot condone it anymore in your everyday content viewing?
Mind you these are all valid reasons for choosing to cut yourself off even if they have apologized and even if by your own standards, it was an adequate apology. You are also valid to stop watching even if this person is an advocate that raises a lot of money for charitable causes. They can do good things and be generally good people but still have flaws glaring enough for you to stop giving them your time.
At our cores as slowly straying fans, what we truly want to see from these individuals is change. We want them to take the time to educate themselves and do the deep, difficult and long work of personal change and then put that change into words and action that would convince us enough to forgive them and continue being a fan.
Because we do want to forgive them, we believe they have inside the capacity to change and we want them to be better and do better.
For a while now I have been asking myself to what extent is what I am asking of them fair considering I am not actually part of their real life.
Who am I to demand of them personal responsibility when I don’t actually know them?
And even if I do have the right to demand it, because the relationship is one sided, there’s really no way to get them to understand where they are going wrong. Because for every voice on the internet reaching out to them asking for introspection and eventual change, there are millions of others in that sea yelling back at you dismissing you as a “hater” or a “troll” and then shouting back to the content creator that they are doing fine just as they are, even if they are not. This ignores the fact that good people can make mistakes, correct them, and then grow.
But at the same time, as an outside observer of what is basically a brand but of a human being, how patient am I expected to be? What is the likelihood their behavior will change in a timely manner or will a true apology and subsequent change come from them only when shit finally hits the fan?
Can I ethically and emotionally spend any more of my time on a person who is coasting while waiting for the other shoe to drop especially when there’s a good chance that maybe it never will? And maybe it would be better if it never does considering that it could cause even more collateral damage in the long run?
While there are no clear answers to these questions, there are healthy steps you can take to “break up” with these parasocial relationships when you have finally had enough.
- To begin, I think It is okay to reminisce about the smiles and laughter they brought you while still realizing you have outgrown them. You may have spent years loving this person(s). You may have even bought merch that you still enjoy. It is okay to acknowledge that they meant a lot to you and maybe even got you through some rough times, but you do not owe them any more of your time if you don’t want to give it any longer. Remember them fondly but keep in mind why you are done.
- Talk about it with a friend. Like I said before I have been talking my boyfriend’s ear off about this for months now and our discussions have helped me take steps to separate myself from the parasocial relationships I am done with. It validated my feelings letting me know that I am not just taking something too personally or that what I wish I could demand of the person(s) is not unreasonable. My opinion has equal if not more authority to their notertiery both good and bad.
3.Here’s where you have to take the plunge, I haven’t even done this completely yet: When you are ready, cut off cold turkey and stop watching their new content and continuations of previous content. It will be hard, but it is necessary. Think of it as a personal boycott. Then, when you are ready, unsubscribe/unfollow. Remove their image and words from your daily life. If there is ever a reason to check back in, you can do it when the time comes.
4.Regardless of how hard you cut yourself free, spend more time with one or more of your non-problematic parasocial relationships that you haven’t been as engaged in. Dive back into their content and remind yourself why you love their work possibly even more so than the content creator you are dumping.Or better yet, find a new parasocial relationship, check out that new or long time recommended channel/person/group you have been meaning to give a chance but felt your plate was already too full. A space has now opened up.
Overall, I am still fascinated by this issue and the ethics surrounding it. This blog was in many ways a thought dump for me so I apologize if it was a lot or at times hard to follow. But I do hope this will be able to help you bid any of your problematic parasocial folks ado!
Gail Bello is a poet and playwright from Waltham, Massachusetts. She graduated in 2019 with a BFA in Creative Writing and a minor in Theatre from The University of Maine at Farmington. Find her previous publications at https://thaumaturgedramaturge.wordpress.com and follow her on Twitter @AquajadeGail